I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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