I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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