toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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