i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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