I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
