I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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