That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
