yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
