Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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