Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
