Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
