Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
