He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
