Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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