shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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