dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
