I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
