You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
