It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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