a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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