What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
