I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
