just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
