i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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