Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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