I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize