There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
