Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
