Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
