are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
