there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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