I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
