Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
