Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
