This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
