I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
