Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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