The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
