I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
