my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
