It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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