I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize