Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
