Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
