No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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