already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
