It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
