I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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