Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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