Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
