I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Everclear isn't food dammit
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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