I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Damn victory sex feels great
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
