I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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