So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this beer tastes like vomit already
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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