I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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