why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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