Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
