why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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